During yesterday’s FFF Journey To Wellness meeting, Tina lead us in an incredible ZUMBA dance class, followed by some strength and then relaxation. It was a super invigorating workout that had all smiling, laughing and flailing (Tina looked great doing it while I felt like a fish out of water!). During the relaxation, she asked us all to lie down and totally let go. After an intense workout, nothing feels better than just being settled. It’s so simple and nourishing.
Tina ended that experience by asking everyone to focus on the one “thing” we each needed. Following is Jenn’s story about how she responded to that experience.
Todays wellness exercise was great and I believed it worked, as it definitely made me think.
When Tina asked us to think of what we needed for ourselves, the first word that came to mind was “affection.” Of course, I promptly pushed that out of my head and then thought “money” (I’m a stay at home mom currently, so money’s always helpful -haha) and then thought “direction” (because what can I be now that I don’t have a career?!) and tried to focus on that…even though there was a red light flashing in my head saying “affection! affection!”
Basically, and without writing a whole book, I have mommy issues. My mother was one of those people that shouldn’t have had any kids, although in a weird way I’m glad she did or else I wouldn’t be here. 🙂 She always tried to make my sister and I be like her, and when I didn’t want to or couldn’t because I was me, and not her, she would ignore me or say hateful or mean things to me. It got so bad during my parents divorce that I cut her out of my life for five years just to get away from her. I felt sad the whole time we were estranged and finally went back because I hoped that things would get better. They were for awhile but then she reverted back to the same way she had always been.
I grew up telling myself that I never wanted to get married or have kids because of what I witnessed and went through. I struggled for years trying to have loving relationships of my own – every single one failed as I didn’t feel like I was ever good enough. I constantly doubted the boyfriend that would tell me he loved me (how? I’m un-loveable, even my mother doesn’t love me) and would get close enough to try a run at being loved and then it would blow up in my face. Every. Time.
Flash forward years and years and it’s still the same thing, only now I have a child of my own and can’t imagine being mean to him for one second, even when he tries his best to drive me crazy. 🙂 I also have a wonderful husband who I can’t believe can love me after all I’ve been through and all I feel and all I believe that is wrong with me.
I have a hard time trusting people and getting close, and in turn that makes it hard to make new friends. I much rather sit at home where I know that I won’t get hurt or rejected, than get out there and try to meet someone new.
So, here I am in FFF, trying to get out there and meet some new friends and to try not to let my past run my future.
I know Jenn is not alone, in spite of how lonely it seems like she’s felt. I think she’s so brave for having shared this story with us. What is your story?